A Letter to the Girls I Know: What Kind of Man Do You Want?

Alright, real talk. Can I pull back the curtain for a second and tell you something we guys almost never say out loud? It’s about what’s happening on our side of the screen, in the hallways at school, and in the quiet thoughts we’d never admit to. I’m going to try to get this right, because I think you deserve honesty more than comfortable silence.

It’s not really about two kinds of guys, good and bad. It’s more like two different mindsets, two different battles being fought.

First, there’s the guy who’s not really fighting at all. He’s scrolling his feed, half-watching a YouTube video. A reel of a girl dancing in a tiny top pops up. He doesn’t even think, he just… pauses. His brain gets a little hit of something. It’s not about her. He doesn’t know her name or what makes her laugh or what she’s afraid of. It’s a transaction. A body for a moment of his attention. At school, he sees a girl in shorts that are more like underwear, and the same internal transaction happens. He might make a comment to his friends, a rating on a scale of one to ten. It’s a game, and in that game, girls are just a collection of parts, not whole people.

Then there’s another guy. He’s not a superhero. He’s got the same phone and the same struggles. But he’s fighting a different fight. When that same reel pops up, he feels the same magnetic pull—he’s human, after all—but then something else kicks in. A quiet, firm “nope.” He keeps scrolling. He’s trying to train his mind, like an athlete trains for a race, to focus on what is “true, and honorable, and right” (Philippians 4:8). He’s decided his thought-life belongs to God.

When he sees a girl, he’s actively trying—and failing sometimes, but always trying—to see a person. A sister in Christ with a story, a soul, and a purpose, not just a body to be evaluated. He’s looking for a girl who feels like a friend, not a conquest.

Here’s the part that’s hard to say, and maybe harder to hear. Your choices—especially about how you dress—are like a broadcast signal. You’re sending out a message, and different guys are tuned to different frequencies.

Clothes that are designed to reveal and draw attention to your body send out a signal that the first guy picks up loud and clear. It confirms his worldview. It’s the frequency he’s tuned to, and he will respond. You will get his attention.

The second guy? He’s not impressed. In fact, that signal can often be a warning sign for him. It’s not because he’s a prude or because he’s judging you. It’s because he is fighting so hard to keep his mind pure, and he recognizes that he needs to be wise about where he directs his attention. He’s looking for a girl whose signal communicates depth, dignity, and self-respect. So he might keep his distance, waiting to see if there’s more to you than what the signal suggests.

The painful irony is that the way you dress might be getting you tons of attention from the exact kind of guys you don’t actually want, while making it harder for the guy you do want to see the real you.

Let Me Be Super Clear: His Sin Is Never Your Fault.

I need you to hear this. If a guy chooses to lust, that is on him. Not on your shirt. Not on your shorts. On. Him. Period. A man is 100% responsible for his own thoughts, his own eyes, and his own actions. Your value isn’t determined by your neckline, and your safety should never depend on your hemline.

This isn’t about you managing a guy’s weakness. This is about you stewarding your own power. Your beauty is a gift. Your body is a good and wonderful creation. The question is, what do you want that power to say? You have the power to draw attention. But what do you want to draw attention to?

A woman who knows her worth is rooted in being an image-bearer of God doesn’t need to put her body on display to feel valuable. She already knows she is.

So, what now?

This isn’t about a checklist of rules. Ditch the ruler you use to measure your skirt length and ask better questions. The next time you’re in front of your closet, just pause and ask:

“When I walk out the door, what am I hoping people will notice about me?” “Does this outfit showcase my confidence, my spirit, and my strength, or does it mainly showcase my body?”

There’s a universe of difference between being noticed and being known. The first guy notices. The second guy wants to know you. Dressing modestly isn’t about hiding yourself in shame; it’s about framing your true self in dignity. It’s about telling the world that the most interesting thing about you is your heart, your mind, and your spirit.

The kind of man you want to spend your life with—a man who will cherish your heart, champion your dreams, and fight alongside you—is being formed by his choices right now. And he’s looking for a girl who is being formed by hers.

He’s not looking for flawlessness. He’s looking for a fellow soldier. A girl who understands her beauty isn’t just about “outward adornment… but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:3-4).

Be that girl. Not for a guy, but for you, and for the God who made you with breathtaking purpose. The right guy will see it. I promise.

Sincerely,

A Guy Who’s Cheering You On